


Return the favor

by low_key



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, Friends to Lovers, M/M, mildly cheesy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-05-19 22:46:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19365343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/low_key/pseuds/low_key
Summary: How do I get away when you're begging me to stay?Where Calum has a crush and Luke wants to explore his sexuality





	1. You said, "Just friends and no strings"

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i feel like i never finish anything, but this is actually already finished. i won't post the rest of the chapters right away because i want to go through them to edit them but im sure ill be done in like a week or two. the fic has four chapters and almost 19k words right now.  
> hope yall like it, love ya ♡♡♡♡♡  
> also, the title is from the song from all time low.

The hotel’s rooftop is nice. It’s a tall building, so there are very few windows that can witness whatever stupidity Luke and Calum decide to do tonight.

It doesn’t have any lights. The only source of clarity is Luke’s phone’s flashlight that rests against a wall and only sort of illuminates them.

It’s been a while since they had to sneak away to a poorly lighted rooftop to smoke some pot. They’re not teenagers anymore, no one can tell them what to do, but they soon discover that majority of age isn’t exactly a free pass to do whatever they want, especially not if you’re in a famous band and something is expected of you.

Besides, sometimes is fun to hide, just for old times’ sake.

Luke is smiling, laughing at something Calum probably said, but doesn’t remember coming out of his mouth. Their words feel like clouds of smoke, only there for a couple of seconds before fading away. Sometimes, while high, the words slip from his mouth without passing through his brain. He doesn’t mind, if it made his friend laugh it was probably not that bad.

He loves how Luke’s face lights up just from a smile, and he hates he doesn’t see it as often anymore.

They’re friends since their teenage years, sometimes it feels like they’ve known each other since they were born. Luke changed a lot last year, and Calum doesn’t feel like he can predict him as much anymore.

“What time is it?” he asks. The once full blunt is now a filter with some ashes on the end. Calum smiles, relaxed.

Luke looks through his phone, ruining the only source of light they had. “Three,” he states. “Fuck, I can’t find my fucking keys,” he panics, searching in his pockets.

Calum shushes him down, squeezing his shoulder. “We’ll search for them in the hallway. With lights, yeah?” Luke nods, and by the way his head moves slowly, and his eyes remain half closed, Calum can tell he’s had too much. He isn’t a stoner, he swears, but he knows he might be a little more used to it than Luke is. “You alright, mate?” he chuckles.

Luke smiles at him, his eyes brighten, “Yeah. Splendid. Can we go, though? I’m cold,” he shivers and Calum can’t hold the laughter. Everything is lighter, and a bit funnier, they need that sometimes. Especially these days.

“In a bit. If Ash or Mike see you like this, they’re going to kill us,” he says. Unlike Luke, he has his room all for himself, Michael got a room for him and Crystal for their last night together and left him alone. It sounded nice at first, finally having some privacy, but he soon realized sleeping alone is rather, well, lonely.

The light atmosphere changes when Luke gets a message. The screen lights up and he quickly takes it before Calum can read who it is.

Calum bites the inside of his cheeks, clearly bothered. “It’s her. Isn’t it?” he asks.

He smiles and shakes his head; his friend doesn’t buy it. “Why would she- Fine. Yes, it’s her.” He bites his lip with guilt. “It’s hard not to answer…” he admits. Calum puts a reassuring hand on his thigh. Luke’s good mood is just another thing to add to the list of things she ruined. “I’m taking a break from all that, dating and stuff.”

“I think that’s good,” he says wholeheartedly.

He knows his friend is getting better, but it’s hard for everyone to see him go through it.

He brings his knees to his chest, curiously inspecting Calum. As soon as he looks at him, Luke takes his eyes away, he has that face he makes when he wants to say something but can’t. Calum knows him like the palm of his hand. “What?” he mumbles.

“Was it hard?” he asks, all the sudden. He looks at the dark sky, the stars are obscured by clouds, his blond curls fall on his shoulders. Calum frowns, confused. “Coming out, I mean.” His voice is calm and soft, there’s no trace of the bubbly laughter from moments ago, just curiosity.

The question surprises Calum, he’s never talked about that with Luke, he just supposed he didn’t care. “Um, not really, I guess.”

It was a few years ago, when he was freshly eighteen. He didn’t really give it much thought then, and still doesn’t. Luke hums in answer.

“It’s just something that’s there. Most people don’t care.” When it becomes clear Luke isn’t going to say anything else, Calum gets curious. “Why?”

So much time passes he thinks he isn’t going to get an answer, but he eventually speaks. “I don’t know,” he shrugs.

“Oh…”

Luke leaves it at that, letting the curiosity eat Calum whole. He stands up, almost falling on his ass while at it. “What are you doing?” Calum asks.

“I want to see the city.”

Calum isn’t sure he particularly cares about how the city looks like right now, however, he is concerned about Luke falling from the guardrail to a likely, almost certain, death, so he follows suit.

“Look at all those lights,” Luke says with the amusement of a child seeing something for the first time. “It’s gorgeous.”

He nods, even if he doesn’t look at the lights for a single second. He’s too busy admiring Luke’s baby blue eyes and rosy lips. The crush has always been there, buried underneath layers and layers of teenage angst, but somehow, Luke’s question brought it back to the surface. And he can’t stop looking.

“What?” Luke laughs.

Calum realizes he probably looks like a psycho right now and decides to look away. “Nothing.”

Luke’s phone rings again, but when he tries to look at it Calum pushes his hand down.

Luke puts it in silence and hides it in his pocket. “Can I try something?” he asks shyly. He is looking at him expectantly. He nervously chews at his lower lip, right where his piercing used to be, an old habit he never grew out of.

Calum nods, only because if he talks, he might choke.

Luke puts his shaky hand on Calum’s cheek and clumsily presses their lips together.

They don’t move for a few seconds, until Calum slowly opens his mouth, and that’s enough for Luke to unleash and start a deeper kiss.

Calum is holding him by the hip, keeping him close, and Luke can’t seem to stay still, constantly touching his neck, back and arms. He finally settles, one hand on Calum’s arm, steadying himself, and the other on the back of his neck.

Luke is the one to pull away. The last few seconds taste like desire and guilt. He covers his open mouth with his hands and Calum is afraid he might cry. “Shit… I’m sorry. Fuck, sorry…”

“Why?” he murmurs. They’re still close, but he’s making sure to hold Luke lightly, just so he can back away anytime. He doesn’t.

“I don’t know.”

Calum could concentrate on how good he feels, and how much he wants to do it all again, but he decides to focus on Luke, who looks like he’s just seen a ghost. The winds pick up and Luke hugs himself. He’s shaking, Calum can’t figure out if it’s from the cold or the anxiety that is clearly rising.

He realizes Luke isn’t in the right state for a nervous breakdown, and he isn’t in the right state to help him. “Luke, it’s fine, calm down. Please.” It doesn’t work.

“It didn’t mean anything.” It sounds more like he’s trying to reassure himself than informing Calum.

“Want me to take you to your room?” he offers.

His hands check his pants and jacket, no success. “I still can’t find my keys.”

“Ashton’s inside.”

“He’s asleep,” he refutes. He’s clearly making excuses now.

“Fine, come to my room.”

Luke nods absentmindedly, he murmurs something about being tired and wanting to sleep.

They make sure to pick everything they left on the floor before stepping inside. Using the staircases is a little hard, Calum still sees the world a little too blurry, his movements are still a little too slow, his mind a little too fast.

They link their arms and hold onto each other, steadying themselves on the walls from time to time. That seems to be extremely funny to Luke, who is laughing again, a little too loud for a hotel hallway at almost four in the morning.

Almost as if he forgot what happened five minutes ago. Being fair, he probably did.

“Luke,” he calls him, he has to repeat it a few times to get his attention. “Hey, calm down a bit, they’re gonna kick us out.”

Luke lets out an offended gasp. “Kick us out!? We paid to be here. We can do as much noise as we want!” he raises his voice even more.

“We can’t. We aren’t even supposed to be on the rooftop past eight,” he says in a hushed tone.

He lets it pass, quickly changing the subject. “Hey, my room is that way,” he motions to the end of the hall.

Calum sighs, “You’re too high, you’re coming to my room. Remember?”

“I think I can take care of myself,” he doesn’t keep the petulance out of his tone.

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that. You can’t even find your keys.” Also, he doesn’t trust Luke’s stoned mouth not to tell Ashton something they might regret later.

“So, we’re having, like, a sleepover?” he laughs. “Are we gonna talk about boys and paint our nails?”

Calum ignores Luke’s rambles as he struggles to get through the last flight of stairs.

“Okay, shut up and listen to me, yeah?” Luke, for once, obeys and looks at him, straight in the eye, which somehow makes Calum uncomfortable. “There are guards in the hallway, remember? You shut your mouth, or just try and don’t say anything weird, will you?” he orders, which seems to work better with Luke than trying to reason right now.

Luke glues to him like, well, glue. Calum’s too stoned to look for a smarter metaphor.

He behaves, except for the ‘good afternoon’ that accidentally slips from his lips, at four in the morning. Calum fights himself not to laugh.

Once inside, he watches Luke silently take off his shoes and clothes and clumsily falling on the bed, resting on his stomach. “Cal…” he calls, “Cuddle me? Please?”

It isn’t weird. Luke gets needy after smoking; he’s always been like that. It doesn’t have anything to do with whatever happened a few minutes ago.

“Yeah, sure.”

He strips to his underwear. He could put on some sweats, but his suitcase is closed and he’s tired. He lays on the bed, puts an arm over Luke and closes his eyes. His ears are ringing, he can’t hear Luke’s breathing anymore. He kind of comes back when he calls him again.

Calum groans and faces him. “What now?”

Luke raises on his stomach, resting on his elbows, staring at Calum. He opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. He closes his eyes hard, the way he does when he wants to push a bad thought away.

“Is there something wrong?”

He sighs and lowers his head. “Nothing. I’m just tripping a bit…” he giggles. “It’s making me have crazy thoughts,” he mumbles. He rolls over, settling on Calum’s chest. He gets the memo and holds him, brushing his golden hair with his fingers.

When he wakes up, Luke is already gone.

*

The day after, he barely sees Luke. He spends most of his day alone by the pool.

“Did something happen last night?” Mike asks. Probably as an innocent question, he doesn’t even say it in a particularly invested tone. Still, Calum can’t help but overreact.

“What? No, of course not. What could have happened?” he awkwardly laughs.

Mike frowns at his reaction but decidedly ignores it. “He’s upset.” His eyes go to the tall body, tanning his back, or probably sleeping. “He was a bitch to me this morning.”

“You tell me, I asked to have my shirt back and he totally snapped,” Ashton adds.

“Yeah? No idea, we didn’t do anything,” he assures again.

Ashton nods, showing Calum an interested smile. “Anyways, did you two get anything done?”

“Huh?”

“Luke told me he stayed at yours to write. Can I see?”

Calum shakes his head a little too eagerly, leaving a confused expression on the drummer’s face. “We got stuck. I don’t think that song is going anywhere.”

Mike hums, probably because that isn’t something Calum says often. “Well, I’m sure we can still salvage some parts.”

He makes a disapproving sound. “Believe me, it’s better if that song never sees the light.”

Luke, eventually, joins them. He’s wearing glasses and not much else. He sits besides Mike, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” Mike teases him. A tired grunt is the only answer he gets. “Don’t worry, we’re going home next week. Then we can have a rest.”

Luke avoids Calum for the rest of the day. He doesn’t go near him at the concert and takes the passenger seat on the way back.

*

Ever since the scheduled break started, Luke has been making sure to ignore every call and text he gets, locking himself up in his room with the sole company of Petunia and a bunch of junk food.

It’s not bad, he loves his dog and the alone time is much appreciated these days, touring and all. But after a few days of isolation, the overthinking starts to get the best of him, making him think about shit he’d rather ignore.

It’s late at night when he knocks on Calum’s door. Calum’s wearing pajama pants and a stained t-shirt. He eyes the clock on the wall before he lets him in, 1:53 a.m.

They watched half a movie until they got bored. Now, Luke is on Calum’s bed, shoeless, seeing him take clothes out of his suitcase. He carefully watches at how his muscles flex with every move he makes, how he quickly gives Luke a glance every now and then, like he’s scared he might disappear.

It’s only fair, Luke hasn’t been in the same room alone with Calum in some time.

“Shouldn’t we be asleep?” Calum asks, not in a tone that suggests him to leave, more like out of concern.

“I can’t sleep these days,” he complains. His nails get buried in his own arms; he isn’t sure if he should mention his sleep problems, he doesn’t want to worry his friend.

Calum scoffs, and Luke figures he’s already realized from the constant grumpiness. “Yeah, I think we all noticed.”

“Sorry for being a bitch lately,” he says half-heartedly. He’s almost sorry.

“Anyway, do you know why that is? Is there something on your mind?”

Luke hums as he lowers his head and shrugs, “Maybe.”

Calum sits in front of him, their knees are touching, and Luke likes it. He likes being close to him, he always has, but there’s something different lately, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Calum looks at him with a serious face. “We need to talk.”

“Do we now?” Luke teases, hiding his nerves. Truth is, he doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t think the bassist is going to let it go.

“I’m not letting you off the hook,” he states, and Luke nods, even though he isn’t too keen.

It’s hard to speak about those things for Luke. He isn’t big on discussing emotions, and he knows Calum isn’t either, so he thinks half the truth will do. “I don’t know what happened. I guess I was too out of it…” he mumbles, there’s a certain shade of shame on his voice he can’t hide.

Calum frowns with concern. “You can tell me things, how you feel, you know that, right?”

The question is met with an eye roll and a deflective answer. “I don’t like you, Calum. You’re hot and all, but I don’t like you.” He knows that isn’t what he asked.

Calum lets out a small laugh. Luke can tell he’s faking it but doesn’t say so. “First of all, ouch, second, I didn’t actually mean that, but I’ll take it.”

“What do you mean, then?” Luke finally relaxes his muscles, so Calum knows he can go on.

“Well, I don’t go around kissing my girl friends, no matter how high I am. And you kissed me,” he comments. “I don’t want to push you to say anything you don’t want to say… But I want to know.”

He stares at the TV, where the movie is still on. It doesn’t make sense now; they missed a big chunk of it. He isn’t watching it, though, it’s just a nice place to rest his eyes that isn’t going to tear his soul open with two brown eyes.

The words don’t come out of his mouth willingly, he has to pull them out one by one, “I don’t know… I think- I know I liked it. I’ve been thinking about _this_ for months now, just never got to it.”

He frowns deeply. “This?”

“You know. Dudes. It’s confusing, I’ve never wanted to do anything with a man, until a few months ago. Until…” He stops speaking. The word breakup is too sensitive still. He’s over her, he really is, but it’s hard to just be alone.

Calum nods. “Sorry all my hotness is confusing to you,” he jokes. It doesn’t land great; Luke scratches his neck uncomfortably. “Hey, um… It’s not bad to be unsure. I went through it too.”

“Yeah, at fifteen years old, I’m an adult. I should know what I like. I should know who I am.” He doesn’t know why he’s saying all that, much less why he kissed Calum that night, maybe it has something to do with how comfortable and calm he made him feel.

Calum expression is understanding, his hand goes straight to Luke’s knee, where his thumb rubs comforting circles. “No one knows who they are. Also, you’re not ninety, stop being so dramatic. I had like three girlfriends before I realized I was gay, you’re fine,” he chuckles.

“I’m not gay.”

“That’s fine too.”

It’s late, and they’re tired, but Luke’s mind is still too clouded to get rest. “What if I think I like dudes, but I don’t?”

Calum shrugs, “You try things, see if they work. No one’s pushing you to know right now.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work,” Luke explains. “I don’t want to kiss a dude and wake up the next day to ten sites confirming my homosexuality.”

“What are you gonna do, then?”

Luke’s answer is surprising, not only to Calum but to himself. He puts his hand on Calum’s thigh, leaning into him. He shouldn’t, but Calum feels safe, like home, but also like jumping into a lake without knowing how deep it is.

“I thought,” he starts, his cheeks completely red, “you can, maybe, help me.” Calum takes too long to answer. Luke pulls himself away, looking down. “Or not. Sorry. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not, at _all_ … I just don’t know if that’s a good idea. I mean, we’re friends, and you got pretty freaky last time,” he explains.

“I just want to experiment. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It won’t mean anything, I swear.”

“Experiment? Really?” He scoffs, clearly offended. “You know, there’s nothing sexier than being treated like a lab rat.”

“Sorry… I didn’t mean- You know what I meant,” Luke says with an annoyed tone. “So? Can you help me or not?”

Luke tries to ignore how desperate that sounded. He sees him weighing whether he should listen to the younger friend, but he knows the answer already. Calum could never say no to him. But he must admit, he’s still scared. He knows Calum would never reject him but being gently turned down is just as hurtful. He avoids his gaze completely.

Still, he decides to push a bit further. “Come on, are you gonna tell me you don’t get horny on tour? I can come in handy.”

“Luke, you’re my friend, not a hole to stick my dick into.” Even if the words are rough, Luke knows he’s already on board, trying to talk himself out of it.

He widens his eyes, “Wow. No one talked about sticking your dick anywhere.” He thinks about it for a second. “Yet… It’s a maybe.” Calum still doesn’t say a word but arches a brow in response. “Please.”

“This is unfair, you know I can’t say no to you.”

Luke smiles brightly, “Is that a yes?”

“Okay. It won’t mean anything.”

They get closer but still leave some room. Calum is nothing like anyone he’s ever been with. Mainly in that he’s almost larger than Luke himself and that, well, he has a dick. That doesn’t make him any less hot, though.

Luke brings his hand to the nape of Calum’s neck, playing with the bleached hairs. It’s a new style, he never wore anything like it. It makes him look so mature and imposing, and Luke loves it.

“Can I?” He asks with a shaky voice. Calum nods eagerly, so he just goes for it. Luke is doubtful and careful this time. He goes slowly, steadying himself on the bed. Calum pulls him closer, so Luke’s sitting on his lap.

He murmurs through the kiss, “If you were a girl, your legs would be crushed.”

“Good thing I’m not.”

Calum moves on to Luke’s neck. He finds a particularly sensitive spot behind his hear that makes Luke hiss and sucks on it. Luke distracts himself wandering his hands through his back. It’s fleshy but hard, and his fingers sink in each curve of each muscle.

Luke makes a choking sound as he tugs on Calum’s shirt.  “Want that off?” Calum whispers. He nods frantically. He’s quick to comply and help him take his off too.

He stops for a second, resting his head on Calum’s chest. He really wishes this doesn’t ruin their friendship.

“You okay?”

“Yeah… I’m fine.” He bites his lip, examining Calum. “What’s next?”

“What do you want to be next?”

Calum’s eyes are penetrating him, he can’t be the only one getting something out of this.

Luke thinks about things his partners have done to make him feel good and the things he has done that might also work on Calum. He decides he should give some a try.

He takes advantage of the position and links his mouth to Calum’s, much more urgent this time. He starts to slowly move his bum, creating friction in his pants. Calum moans in his mouth.

“Is this okay?” Calum mumbles as he puts his hand on Luke’s pants and begins stroking.

“Yes.”

Luke’s pants begin to feel a little too tight, and he knows Calum must feel same.

They change positions, Luke makes him lay down carefully. He entertains himself sucking on Calum’s chest while he struggles to get his sweats off.

“Do you need help?” he teases.

“Fuck off.” With that said, he pulls Calum’s pants and boxers down and throws them to the floor. When he sees Calum’s dick, he gulps nervously. It’s not like he hasn’t seen it before, but maybe he never saw it this close, at full length.

“Hey, you don’t have to do any-”

“I know, anything I don’t want,” he rolls his eyes, then sighs, he doesn’t regret not asking anyone else. “Thanks, Cal.”

Calum combs Luke’s hair with his fingers, he leans into the touch, seeking some sort of approval. He tries to seem as confident as he can when he touches it for the first time.

It’s not so much different than jerking himself off, except for the different position. And for Calum’s sounds, that he constantly tries to shut down. He wishes he didn’t, he likes to hear it.

“You’re doing great, baby,” he encourages, chocking on his own words.

Luke takes confidence he doesn’t know he has and whispers, “Can I suck you off?”

“Fuck, yes.” He looks in a bliss, parted mouth and half-closed eyes, a bit of sweat on his forehead. He wonders how the fuck he never realized how hot Calum is.

Before taking it to his mouth, Luke feels like he should remind him of how little experience he’s got. “Remember I’ve never sucked a dick before, yeah?”

“You’ll do just fine, I’m sure,” he mouths.

Luke keeps the pace of strokes but begins kissing the top of it. It’s salty, but surprisingly not gross at all.

Calum takes a handful of his hairs and gently pulls them, guiding Luke’s head. He bobs up and down, making sure not to go too far.

He weirdly loves the feeling of someone guiding him, being in control. Judging by Calum’s groans and muffled moans, he does too.

“Shit, ‘m close- I- fuck, Luke.”

He takes his mouth away before finishing jerking him off. His eyes go to the back of his head, his toes curl and the grip on Luke becomes tighter.

He finishes right where he shouldn’t, Luke’s eyes close so it doesn’t get in them. “Dude,” he complains, cleaning his face with the back of his hand.

“Shit, sorry,” Calum laughs. He reaches for his nightstand and grabs some tissues. He takes Luke’s face on his hands before cleaning him up. Luke takes his own weight on his forearms to not crush Calum. “Sorry,” he repeats, but the smug grin on his face says otherwise.

“Fucker,” Luke mutters. “It’s alright.”

Calum takes notice of Luke’s boner, warm against his leg. He plays with the elastic on his sweatpants. “Take these off, yeah?” he asks.

He eagerly complies. Calum pushes him to the side, he makes him lie on his back and sits on top of him. His hand wraps his cock firmly and moves painfully slow.

“Fuck, Cal, stop edging me,” he complains, just because he isn’t going to say how much he likes it.

“What do you want then?” he murmurs. He picks out the pace.

“What?” Luke chokes.

“Want me to ride you? Or want to ride me?” Luke’s hands grip Calum’s shoulders, desperately looking for something to hold onto. He looks so hot right now, all dominant and fierce. “I’m sure you want me to fuck you, be deep inside of you. Pulling your hair, you liked that-”

“Cal, I’m so fucking close.” He grunts and moans, his body is shivering and there’s a pool of pleasure in his stomach.

“Maybe next time,” he mouths, his lips barely brush with Luke’s. “Come on, Lukey. Cum for me.”

His fingernails get buried in Calum’s back, his eyes roll back and his whole body clenches as he finishes. “Fuck,” is all he can say.

Calum falls flat beside him and Luke is left to wonder if this was a good idea after all.

“Hey, er,” he starts. Calum looks at him, expectantly. “Thanks, bro.”

He frowns. Fair, ‘bro’ is just not something you say post hand job. “Huh… Sure, no problem, dude.”

Luke scratches his neck, looking at the familiar room. He sleeps here all the time, Calum lives awfully close and they hang out together all the time, it shouldn’t be weird, but it’s so awkward right now.

“I think I should go,” he whispers, sitting on the bed. He doesn’t want to make it seem like it’s more than it is. He wanted sex, and he got it, nothing else here.

Calum looks at him, bewildered. “What? Are you sure? I mean, you always sleep here.”

Luke is already looking for his pants and shoes, “I, um, didn’t leave food for Petunia. You know how she is with her breakfast,” he chuckles. He can think about how lame of an excuse that was later.

“Okay… Be careful, yeah? It’s a bit late to drive.”

“Will do,” he smiles, in a few seconds he’s out the door.


	2. But that leaves loose ends for all things

Calum is drunk. Very drunk. He didn’t feel like going out today, but he’s glad he did. He’s having fun and Luke is not even in his head. Well, maybe just a little bit.

Michael slips an arm over his shoulders. They lost Luke and Ashton at some point of the night, and Michael ends up being the only one left to take care of Calum and make sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself around so many people.

He’s doing a shitty job so far. Who even thought this was a good idea?

“Hey, we’re going out for a bit, yeah?” Mike shouts in his ear. “You look like you could use some air.”

“Cool! Yeah!” Calum laughs, following his friend to the front door. He doesn’t realize how heavy the air was inside until he breathes outside, the cold fresh air burning his nose, returning a bit of the stability he lost through the night.

Calum pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter of his pocket. “Want one?” he offers.

“Sure.” Mike isn’t a smoker, but he’s always keen to take a few drags with him occasionally. Just to keep him company.

“Cal?” he asks after a couple of seconds.

“Mhm?”

“Something’s going on with you.” It isn’t a question, it’s an affirmation, so Calum doesn’t feel the need to answer. Especially since he knows where this is going. “Is everything okay?”

This isn’t a conversation Calum would have in a club, however, he knows his friend is taking advantage of his over-sharing mouth right now. He doesn’t care all that much right now.

“Yeah, yeah,” he giggles. “Everything’s fucking great.” The smoke fills his lungs, he used to hate the aftertaste, the taste of dirt and burnt that lingered in his mouth for the whole day, but everything tastes a bit better after half a bottle of whiskey.

How would _Luke_ taste after half a bottle of whiskey? He smiles as he drowns in the thought.

“Dude, you’re acting so weird,” Mike laughs.

Clearly, his common-sense filter fails at some point, because he lets out between laughs “It’s the love, Mikey.” He knows he’s oversharing, saying shit he shouldn’t say, but his mouth betrays him.

Mike frowns but a smile teases his lips, “You’re in love, Cal?”

He dizzily smiles as his chest flutters. “I might have a teeny-tiny-little crush.”

His friend frowns as he nods, probably because Calum never talks about his crushes. Mostly because Luke has had the number one spot on his list since he was seventeen and he can’t talk about that with his friends. “On who?”

He places a finger on Michael’s lips, because, apparently, there is a bit of self-control left. He thanks God for this. “Shh… Can’t say,” His smile and giggles are gone now, and he needs another cigarette. He snatches the pack from his friend’s hand.

He then thinks about how Luke’s nose scrunches when he smells the smoke in Calum. He doesn’t stop, though.

“Hey,” Mike pouts at the sudden movement but passes him the lighter anyway. “Why can’t you tell me?” he finally asks.

He shrugs. “He’s straight. And he can’t know.” He shouldn’t be talking, but all the bottling up his feeling for years seem to be catching up with him. He feels a knot in his throat, why can’t he just shut up?

Michael cocks his head, holding the cigarette with his lips. “So? Do I know him?”

“Can’t tell,” he insists.

“So that’s a yes.”

“Is that bad?” Calum wonders. “He would hate me if he knew, I’m sure.”

Mike seems to think it through, finally shrugging it off. “You can’t control that, Cal, he can’t blame you. He must be blind, though. To not like you I mean. You’re hot as fuck.”

“No, he’s just closeted,” he sighs. “But it’s fine, he let me jack him off the other day. After blowing me.”

Michael goes back to loudly laughing, “I didn’t need to know that, Cal! And, don’t mind me, but I don’t think I would blow someone I didn’t at least like a little.”

“Hmm… Maybe you’re right.” He shuts up for a second, but he just can’t stop talking. “Am I hot as fuck?” he asks laughing.

 “You are.” Luke appears out of nowhere and throws both arms over their shoulders, tripping over his own legs. His fingers ruffle Calum’s hair. “Shit,” he chuckles.

He doesn’t look like he’s more than tipsy, the tripping is normal on him even when sober.

Calum’s smile comes back, leaning into Luke more than he intends to. “Hi, Lukey.” He feels himself getting happier and happier.

Luke has his hair tied in a bun, he’s never seen him do that, but he can safely say he loves it.

“You’re pretty fucked up, mate,” he comments at Calum’s drunkenness. “Hey, I was about to call it a night. Any of you join?” he offered. “I think Ash already left,” he adds.

Mike glances at the club and then at Calum. “Nah, thanks. But I think Cal already had too much fun, didn’t you?” he says patting his shoulder, setting off his entire balance, almost making him fall. Luckily, he is aware of his state and stops him easily.

“No, I wanna party!” he shouts with a smile, his face pressing on Mike’s shoulder. “Or a bed.” He thinks about it for a second before stating his decision. “Mikey, I want a bed,” he says, more calmly now.

“Okay, then, big boy,” Luke says before yanking his forearm, separating him from his friend. “Don’t get too fucked up, yeah?” he tells Michael before leading Calum to the sidewalk. “I already called an Uber. Stay at mine?”

“Fine.”

Calum’s mind is all over the place. He watches Luke’s messy curls fall from the bun to his face, his long legs nervously tapping the floor as always, his big calloused hands that touched his body a few nights ago. It’s driving him crazy.

He’s fucked. He knows it, even if he won’t admit it. It’s not nice to like someone that only sees you like a little lab rat who can hopefully help him understand his own sexuality.

“You okay there, bud?” Luke asks with an eyebrow arched.

He stares at him, taking a step closer. The memory of Luke moaning under him is a bittersweet jab at his mental sanity. It felt so right yet so wrong. He just wants a little bit more.

A forced cough brings him back to reality. He is so close that just a breeze could push him and melt his body on Luke’s. “Calum, what are you doing?” His harsh voice and big frown force him to take a step back.

He’s stupid. Luke doesn’t look at him like that, he never will. He surely hates him right now. Why would Luke want him?

“Sorry. I-” he tries to explain. “I'm sorry.”

The car arrives just in time to save his ass. They sit in the backseat, he turns his head to the window, ignoring his friend’s curious gaze.

He can’t ignore him at the time of climbing the stairs, his hand holding him tightly by the waist. Calum knows that even if the alcohol betrays him and makes him trip, Luke wouldn’t let him fall. He also knows he doesn’t need all that extra help but doesn’t say so. He suspects Luke’s already aware.

Ashton’s probably asleep, his door is closed, and the house is silent and dark.

He can’t ignore when Luke speaks to him either, with his raspy tipsy voice. “Cal… You know I hate sleeping alone,” he calls from the bed, Calum chuckles, sitting beside him.

“But I don’t wanna sleep yet,” Calum slurs. Luke will never love him, but at least he can have some fun, right?

He positions himself over Luke, jeans and all.

He grins, his blue eyes filled with lust, “What’d you want then?” he teases, his hand running through his thighs and a big smile on his face.

Calum loves when he smiles, he looks so pretty.

But the smile doesn’t last long. At Calum’s first gag, Luke’s already rushing him to the toilet.

It’s for the better, whatever Calum was trying to do this pissed would most likely turn Luke straight forever.

“Fucking gross, dude…” He looks disgusted, but he still sits on the floor beside him to rub his back reassuringly. He plays with the short hairs on the nape of his nape, distracting Calum from how horrible he feels. “You know you can’t drink like a teen anymore, right?” he asks, his voice soft.

“Sorry,” Calum whispers when he thinks he’s finished. He’s wrong. He leans in again to empty his stomach completely.

“‘S okay, let it all out…” he murmurs. “I’m gonna get you water, yeah?”

Calum doesn’t really want him to leave, but he lets him. Luke strokes his back one last time before leaving the bathroom. Luckily, in an instant, he’s already back, and Calum starts chugging water like he was stranded in a desert for weeks.

“You alright?” he asks taking the empty glass from him. Calum nods. His nose wrinkles in disgust, but he’s still there. He puts the toilet seat down and flushes. “Go take a shower, I’ll get you some clothes, okay? And brush your teeth, you smell like shit.”

Of course, Luke loves him, it’s stupid to think otherwise. Right the kind of stupid self-destructive thoughts drunk Calum would think. He knows Luke wouldn’t put up with anyone’s vomit if he didn’t care. He’s way too squeamish to put up with that shit.

He showers sitting on the floor, too afraid his lack of balance would make him fall. He completely fucked it up with what he said to Mike. He knows there isn’t any real possibility he can trace that ‘crush’ back to Luke, but still, he shouldn’t have mentioned it. He rubs his body with the shower sponge, slowly feeling better after each scrub.

When he finishes drying and dressing, he goes directly to Luke’s bed. Luke is still awake, his eyes wide open look at the ceiling.

“Hey…” Calum whispers. “You still can’t sleep?” Luke turns around to look at him, the small glimpse of light that sneaks through the curtains lets him see his friend’s watery eyes. “What is it, Lukey?” He wraps his arms around him, soothingly stroking his shoulders.

It reminds him of months ago when Luke found out Arzaylea has been cheating on him. How Luke crumbled in the middle of the touring bus. Mike, Ashton and he had to take turns to sleep in his bunk, too small for the four of them. Things have gotten better since. A lot better. He sleeps at night sometimes; he works out every other morning and he goes hiking with Ashton if he’s in a good mood.

But he has his bad days, everyone does. They just hit different with Luke. Rather than stumbling with a rock in the road, it seems like he falls into an abyss, depending on someone to pull him out. He still lives with Ashton and has to take a pill to bring the anxiety down at least a few times a week.

He promptly shakes his head, “Nothing.” His voice is shaky. Calum knows exactly what this is about.

“What did she do?”

He instantly regrets saying this, as Luke starts actually crying this time. “She posted- I blocked her, I can’t keep seeing that shit.” He buries his face in the fabric of Calum’s shirt, making it all wet. “I don’t even love her anymore. I’m just not ready… She makes me feel so… so fucking small.”

Calum doesn’t know what to say, besides he wishes Luke could see things in a different light, how everyone else sees it. He wishes he could show it to him. “You’re great, like, one of the best people I’ve met. It hurts so much see you dwell on people like her.”

The words seem to enter through Luke’s ear only to come right out of the other. “It’s just embarrassing. See her being okay when I know it’s been ages and I’m still crying ‘cause I saw her post a story with somebody else,” he admits. “I’m so weak…” It’s raw. The kind of honest Luke only gets after a few shots. Calum wishes he was lying.

Calum’s heart breaks a little, he doesn’t know what to say. He wishes he wasn’t so fucking hammered right now, so he could maybe say the right thing, something that’ll make Luke forget. “Don’t say that. You’re not. You know that.”

He sighs and turns around, making clear he isn’t in the mood to talk about it. He still glues his back to Calum’s chest, his thumb rubs circles on Calum’s forearm, as a silent way of telling him to stay close.

“I’m tired.” The feeling of weight on the covers distracts them. Petunia sniffles Calum for a second but decides to settle on Luke’s arms. “Hey, girl.” By the sound of his voice, Calum can tell he’s smiling.

Being in that sandwich of warmth is enough to bring Luke to sleep. As soon as Calum hears his breathing getting slower, he falls asleep too.

*

They wake up to a pounding on the door. Ashton had the wonderful idea to call Mike and bring them breakfast. Calum sometimes is glad for his friends.

Maybe the news about Luke’s ex had spread around, maybe Ashton had just sensed something was wrong with Luke last night. Calum knows Luke pretty well, he takes pride in that, but he’s never going to know him like Ash does. They’ve been friends since the moment they locked eyes, they live together. No one knows where they would be if it weren’t for each other.

The four of them set camp in Luke’s bed. He has an awfully big bed for a single person, he understands why Luke doesn’t sleep alone if he can avoid it.

“So, how was last night?” Ashton asks, his smile forms dimples in his cheeks. Calum is too hungover to answer.

“Fine. Cal puked in my bathroom, so that was fun.” He sips on his coffee. Mike is by his side, sticking to him like glue. He’s clingy in the mornings, but it’s probably also because he knows Luke had a rough night. It shows in his cracked voice and lost eyes.

“Yeah, dude, you were fucking wasted,” Mike laughs. “You even started talking about some dude-”

Ashton must have seen his panicked face because he saves his ass, “Anyone wants more coffee?” He thinks it might have been a coincidence, but Ashton shoots him an apologetic look that can only mean ‘Mike doesn’t know when to shut his mouth’. Calum gives him a thankful smile, Ashton always has his back. Then again, he always has everyone’s back.

Luke brings his knees to his chest, and even though he was laughing only moments ago, he can tell he isn’t quite alright yet.

He doesn’t need Calum now, Mike wraps an arm around his waist and mumbles something he can’t hear. He smiles, one of the big bright ones, he ruffles Mike’s hair and leaves a kiss on his head.

He tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, he really does. It isn’t good, Michael has as much right to comfort Luke as him, he should be happy he has all those great friends. Michael and Calum are best friends too, they all are, for god’s sake, he needs to bring this crush down a notch.

“Cal,” Ashton mumbles, his hand softly resting on his knee. That’s when he realizes he zoned out, his eyes right on Luke. He’s too obvious.

He breaks eye contact. “Yeah?”

“I was talking to you.”

“Oh, sorry… I think I need more coffee,” he jokes. Ashton hums and nods, patting his leg.

“Let’s go get some, then.” Calum gets up, following Ashton. Realistically, he can pour a cup of coffee on his own, he’s not that useless, but the company is nice. “Gotta go before they get all mushy,” Ashton chuckles.

He and Calum are nothing like those two. They have a different dynamic. Luke and Mike are touchy, like to stay in and love to sit to cuddle and complain about life.

Ashton and Calum are close in their own way, the kind of close that always want to bring each other up without getting too in their feels.

He always feels in his element when they’re together, like he knows exactly how he’s going to react to everything.

“Um, I don’t mean to, like intrude, or anything,” Ashton says, holding his cup close to his face. He’s not wearing contacts; his glasses get foggy. He doesn’t care enough to clean them. “But Mikey was talking about a dude, back there? Are you-?”

“No,” he cuts him, without even making eye contact. He clears his throat, his face heats up. “He’s just messing around. You know him.”

“Hey, you know you can tell me. We tell each other everything, all of us.”

“We do. There’s nothing to tell.” Ashton nods with that understanding expression, but he can still see the shade of disappointment in his face. “Ash, there isn’t anything to tell, really.”

He shrugs dismissively. “It’s fine. It’s cool if you don’t want to talk about your love life with a straight man. I get it.”

“It’s not that, Ash. I’m just not into sharing my love life in general, you know.”

“But I always tell you about my love life,” he points out defensively. It’s true. Maybe too true, sometimes Calum didn’t want to hear about the girls Ashton took home and a detailed list about what they did. But Ashton is transparent like that. “I just wanted to know. You never seem to be with anybody.”

“I do get laid, Ash, if that’s what’s worrying you. I just… haven’t found anyone that’s worth settling for,” he mumbles the last part. “Or maybe I’m pinning over someone that isn’t into me.” He’s awake now, the sun coming from the window still bothers his eyes though. “I told you, are you happy?” he asks, heading out the kitchen.

“I’m not! You can’t leave it at that!”

Calum grins smugly before disappearing into Luke’s room.

*

It doesn’t last a week before Luke goes back to Calum’s. “I’m bored. And alone,” he excuses himself. “Ash’s gone, I hate it when the house is empty.”

“You don’t need a reason to come here.” He really doesn’t, Calum appreciates the company. He gets lonely sometimes too.

They settle on the couch. Calum makes popcorn, saying he’s too afraid Luke would burn his kitchen if he lets him. They end up watching a Friends marathon. It isn’t his favorite, but Luke loves it.

“I hate Ross,” Luke mutters right before he fills his mouth with popcorn. It’s cheap and greasy, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. He will usually eat anything as long as it’s mildly unhealthy.

“Nobody likes Ross.”

“Well, I hate him.” He’s making conversation. He still has that lost look and that laugh that doesn’t quite reaches his eyes; he’s been like this for weeks now and Calum is starting to doubt if it has anything to do with his ex at all. “Hey, do you have any weed?”

“Why?”

“Why would I possibly ask you that?” Luke teases. “Do you have it or not?”

“Yeah. Want to smoke?”

Luke nods a little too eagerly for someone who’s never liked weed all that much. Calum tries not to worry for Luke, that’s Ashton’s job, but with Luke, that’s better said than done.

He jogs to his room to get it. They shouldn’t smoke inside, but it’s chilly outside and Luke looks so cozy on the couch, wrapped in Calum’s blanket. He just makes sure to leave the ashtray on the coffee table.

He rolls the blunt and puts it in Luke’s mouth, getting close to light it. Luke immediately looks a bit better.

“Rough week?” he questions.

Luke scoffs, “More like rough life.”

“Don’t be like that.” His hand goes to Luke’s thigh, rubbing soothing circles on it. He looks like he needs comfort. Calum isn’t the best at those kinds of things but he can try. “It’s gonna get better, Lukey. I promise.”

He sucks on his teeth before passing the blunt. “ _Don’t_. Don’t get all Ashton on me. I like you because you don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Daddying me. He always treats me like some kind of super tall baby. Everyone does. I’m done, I’m an adult,” he assures. “I know I haven’t been great lately, but I don’t need a babysitter.”

Calum doesn’t answer, mostly because he knows Luke would hate him if he said what he thinks.

He understands Ashton. He was scared too when Luke started crying at night, doing a few lines too many at parties and skipping meals. But it is true that he’s the best at pushing that worry aside. He hates to dismiss Luke, and he knows Ashton and Michael don’t do it on purpose, but it still bothers him.

Calum sighs, he takes a few drags, thinking about what to say. “You don’t need a babysitter,” he agrees, “but he’s like that to me too. He just likes to be all adult and take care of people.”

Luke rolls his eyes once again, probably because Calum is right. He’s never been the type to accept he’s wrong.

“I’m not saying that I don’t like that he takes care of me. I need him. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming…”

“Where’s him anyway?”

“I don’t know, a party? He said I looked tired, but I’m sure he didn’t want me around all that coke,” he chuckles but seems bitter about it. He does look tired. He closes his eyes and rests his back on the couch, smoke coming out of his lips. “Sorry. I’m being mean.”

“It’s alright.” He offers the blunt to him, but Calum denies it. “I’ve had enough.”

A few minutes pass before Luke’s finished and the blunt is extinguished in the ashtray. He leans in and rests his head on Calum’s chest, a demanding whisper comes out of his mouth, “Cuddles.”

“I’m not Mikey,” he chuckles.

“I know. I want _your_ cuddles,” he complains, he can’t see it, but he knows he’s pouting.

“Fine.” He rolls his eyes, even if he doesn’t mind holding Luke. He’s bigger than him but still fits perfectly on his lap. “See? You are a big tall baby.”

“ _Baby_ …” he repeats, almost like tasting the word in his mouth. “You called me baby… That night.” He lifts his head, a pleased smile shines in his face.

Calum tries not to make it awkward. It’s not that hard, they’re both relaxed and calm. “Don’t you like it?”

He hums, “Only when you say it. I love it. It’s hot.”

He feels like that’s not something a best friend should say. He doesn’t mind, really, on the contrary, but the weird feeling lingers in his gut.

“I wanna know,” Luke mumbles, tugging on Calum’s shirt. He sits back, staring at him.

“Know what?”

“How it feels…You know.” His cheeks turn a deep shade of red, much like his irritated eyes. “You know…” he repeats.

He has an idea of what Luke wants, but he can’t help but tease. “Use your words, baby.”

He rolls his eyes, flustered. He should cut it out, it’s a bad habit. He plays with the hem of Calum’s shirt with a shy smile as he speaks, avoiding eye contact. “You said you would fuck me next time.”

Calum tries to hold the laughter. Sober Luke is pretty straight forward when he has to, but high Luke is just something else.

Luke frowns at his reaction. “Rude.”

“Lukey, I would love to fuck you.”

He debates it though. Truth is, Luke hasn’t smoked that much, but it still makes Calum sort of uncomfortable. Does he really want to do this or it’s just the weed speaking? He can’t even imagine making Luke do something he might regret later.

He must have noticed the hesitation, because he rapidly says, “Me too. I’ve wanted it for a while now. I’m not that high that I can’t make decisions, Cal.”

“Are you sure?”

Luke smirks as he nods, opening his legs and placing his bum on Calum’s crotch. His hand curls around his short, bleached hairs, tight, close to his scalp. “Please, Cal,” he murmurs against his jaw.

“Needy,” he mocks.

He lets the guitarist start the kiss, always tiptoeing at first, maybe too scared that he would fuck it up. Luke has none of it, crushing his greedy lips harshly against Calum’s.

It’s not hard to take back control, Luke falls apart in his hands easily, quickly going any direction he guides him to. Calum makes him lay on the couch, positioning himself between his legs and deepening the kiss. His hands run through Luke’s chest under his shirt. It’s warm.

Luke whines every time Calum’s thigh rubs with his covered crotch. He tightens his grip on his hair.

“We should go to my room.”

Luke shakes his head, desperately pulling on his shirt. “No. Here, now.” The drug pulls out the bratty, spoiled side of him. It’s adorable.

Calum chuckles, taking his wet kisses on his neck. Eventually, he does forces himself to pull away. Luke lets himself be manhandled and once he’s on his feet, he doesn’t complain anymore.

He falls on the bed and sits only for a second to take off his shirt. He urges Calum to take his too.

“Easy,” he laughs. Luke is just too hot when he’s like this. He would have never imagined grumpy sassy Luke would be so needy in bed.

Luke rips Calum’s pants and his own. They’re both already hard. He’s whining and panting with every bit of friction he can get.

He can’t help but stop for a second to admire the view. Luke’s hair is sticking to his face, his boxers get tighter by the second and his chest lowers and rises quickly. His hands reach for Calum, craving contact. He looks like he’s running out of time.

Calum gives him the contact he needs. One hand on his waist, stroking circles and the other on his hip, gently holding him down. His mouth leaves a wet trail of kisses that goes from his jaw to his lower stomach.

He goes lower, kissing and sucking the inside of his thighs. Luke shudders and lets out a soft moan.

“Cally?” he calls. This time the lust and desire are overshadowed by a cast of nervousness.

The nickname he hasn’t heard in years makes a weird feeling settle in his chest like they’re fifteen again and Luke’s asking if they can sleep together for the first time.

He doesn’t ask anymore; he just moves the covers and tells him to scoot over.

“Yes, Lukey?”

“Is it gonna hurt?” he asks quietly, almost ashamed of his lack of experience.

Calum frowns and goes back up to cup his face. The gentle strokes on his cheek seem to soothe him. “Maybe a little at first. We’ll stop if you don’t like it, okay? But you’ll have to tell me if that happens. Promise you will?”

He nods with a faint smile, “Yeah… Yeah, fine.”

Calum lowers himself, sitting on his knees at the end of the bed. “Can I?” he asks, motioning at Luke’s boxers. He nods. He’s got a grounding grip on Calum’s hair; it hurts but he doesn’t mind.

Once both boxers are off and Luke seems to be less worried about the pain, Calum talks again. “I’m gonna prep you. Okay, baby?” He does it half because he likes to talk a little during sex, and half because he wants to make sure Luke doesn’t drift anywhere.

He wants Luke to feel it and like it, to not miss a second.

“Yes, just do it,” he murmurs.

Calum pins his hips down and kisses his way from his thighs to his hole. He licks it thoroughly, Luke shuddering and whimpering the whole time. He uses his own spit to lubricate his finger and slowly introduces it.

“It’s okay, see?” he says before moving it back and forth. If the sounds he’s making are anything to go by, Luke’s clearly liking it.

He adds a second finger. He carefully curves them and hits Luke’s prostate. At the third one, Luke’s going crazy.

Luke closes his eyes and scratches Calum’s chest. “Please, please- fuck, ‘m ready, Cal.” He blindly grabs Calum’s bicep, gently enough not to mess up his balance. “Cally…”

He looks at Luke in the eye, lost in pleasure and he feels his confidence crumble a little. He won’t last more than five seconds if he keeps seeing that face. He leans over him to get the lube and a condom. He goes slow, letting Luke get used to it. When he’s halfway through, he stops.

He closes his eyes and buries his nails in Calum’s shoulders. He knows there’s going to be a mark tomorrow.

“Tell me when you’re ready,” he says between kisses.

Luke moans in Calum’s mouth but doesn’t stop kissing. He sucks Calum’s lip before separating. “You can move.”

As he predicts, none of them lasts a lot. “It’s been a while,” he excuses himself when he feels the pooling of pleasure in his stomach.

Luke gives him a smug grin that quickly melts with Calum’s assertive trust. His eyes roll to the back of his head as he lets out a high pitch sound. “Can you- ah, can you pull my hair?” he asks, not a hint of embarrassment in his voice.

“Shit didn’t know you were that kinky.” Calum happily takes a fistful of those golden hairs in his hand, and he carefully pulls. Luke’s hand goes to his own dick, following the rhythm.

“Faster, Calum… Shit. I- fuck.” He’s shaking, not even looking at Calum anymore.

“That’s it, baby, cum for me.” The words are slurred out of his mouth, drunk in pleasure. Drunk in Luke.

He comes in a series of shudders and moans, clawing at Calum’s back like a rabid cat. His eyes look exorbitated and his lips are parted, heavily breathing. His now dirty abdomen falls up and down, slowing each time.

The feeling of Luke clenching around him is just too much. He has to control himself not to fall on Luke, his legs weak from his orgasm.

“I don’t wanna stand up,” Luke pouts. His hands are now stroking the scratches he made, like a quiet apology. “I’m sleepy.”

“You’re high,” Calum refutes standing up. Luke whimpers, the cold hair makes all his hairs stand up.

Calum goes to the bathroom to throw the condom and clean himself. He throws a washcloth at his friend, being met with a groan.

“You can sleep after you’re clean.”

He washes his own cum off his stomach and passes the cloth back to Calum. When he comes back from leaving it in the washer, Luke’s already sleep.

“C’mon, Lukey, you’re too heavy. You gotta get under the covers,” he negotiates.

“Fuck you, I’m thick,” he corrects, his cheek pressed to the pillow, muffling the sounds. He groans again before giving in and getting into bed properly.

Calum lays on the other side. Now, warm and fuzzy, he feels brave enough to ask. “Was it bad?”

Luke ruffles the sheets to turn around, locking eyes with him. There’s a little bit of tint in his cheeks. “No. I liked it. A lot.”

“Cool. So… Not straight?”

He chuckles. “Definitely not straight. Too sleepy to think though.”


	3. You're anything but ordinary

They fuck a couple more times, and then a few more. Luke enjoys it more than he thinks he should. He goes out and rarely feels like taking anyone home. Why would he? He has Calum.

As with everything, Ashton notices right away.

They’re sitting on the breakfast bar, getting ready for a management meeting. Their break is almost over and they have to get used to working again.

Ashton is drinking one of those healthy smoothies Luke can’t smell without throwing up. It has broccoli in it, he suspects. Luke is eating cereals despite Ashton’s multiple attempts at making him eat healthier.

Luke isn’t particularly chatty in the mornings, much less when it’s the first time he wakes up before midday in weeks. Ashton, however, loves to socialize and is always determined to make him speak.

“Someone’s been getting laid,” Ashton says after several attempts of starting a conversation, all meeting a dead end.

Luke picks at his nail, ruining the nail polish. “So? I can’t have sex now?” It maybe annoys him more than it should. He just doesn’t want Ashton to know, and his morning grumpiness is not helping.

It’s not like he stopped having sex when he broke up with his ex, but he has to admit that the times he did were few and far between. He has been staying at Calum’s at least a few times a week for two weeks.

It’s more practical, no small talk, no awkward mornings and no worries about STD’s. That’s the one and only reason.

Ashton examines him and squints his eyes. “It’s different. You met someone, haven’t you?”

Luke scoffs, because since when is that his problem? “Why are you so interested in my sexual life?  Is yours just that boring?” he snaps. He shouldn’t. Not to Ash. Ashton gives him a severe look. He tries to speak softer next time. “There’s no special girl, Ash.”

“I don’t know. You never let any normal girl give you hickeys.” There’s that smug look in his face that just tells him he’s won. “Booty calls don’t stay the night. You barely sleep here anymore.”

Luke rolls his eyes, but still tries to pull up the collar of his hoodie. It’s hot and the AC isn’t on, Ashton was bound to become suspicious. “You’re so dramatic. I don’t go out that much.” If Ashton wants to interrogate him, fine. One thing Luke learned from being very famous at a very your age was the ability to dodge any uncomfortable topic.

The bad thing is, Ashton is as good at asking questions as Luke is at avoiding them.

“Hey, I’m glad you found someone better.” He messes with Luke’s hair in a caring manner. “It was about time. Am I going to meet her someday?”

Luke shakes his head, frustrated. He might not want to give him the truth, but he also doesn’t want him to get his hopes up. Because he is hopeless in that love thing. “It’s not like that, Ash. It’s just a hookup.”

He’s uncomfortable. Ashton knows he isn’t a hooking up kind of guy, not that Luke shares his sexual life, but Ashton knows pretty much everything about him. It’s weird to hide something.

“So, there is a girl.”

“No- Ugh, can we just leave it at that? There isn’t anyone, there isn’t gonna be for a long time probably,” he mumbles. It’s true, Calum isn’t anyone. It’s Calum. And someone else, someone valid, doesn’t seem like an attractive idea right now.

Ashton frowns for a second but quickly relaxes his face. “Is it the band?”

Luke freezes, his spoon clumsily falls on the bowl, getting milk on the bar. “The _band_?” How the fuck does Ashton know? Did Calum open his fucking mouth? He swears he’s going to kill him.

“Yeah, I mean, I know that it can be a bit of an inconvenience, with touring and all. But if she really loves you, I’m sure she’ll understand.”

Luke closes his eyes as he lets out a relieved breath. “Oh, yeah, right. Touring… That’s exactly what I’m worried about,” he blatantly lies. His voice comes out an octave higher. If Ashton notices, he doesn’t say so. “I just want to keep my distance, I guess. It scares me that, um, _she_ maybe wants more than I can give her.”

“You don’t want to hurt her.”

Ashton squeezes his shoulder understandingly. He isn’t a guy that likes physical contact, but he’s different with Luke. Like maybe he gets how grounding it is for him. Sometimes he needs a hand that explicitly shows him he’s not alone.

He looks down, his voice is barely audible. “Yeah…” he shakes his head, “I could never. She’s too important to me. But I don’t want to have a relationship, I don’t even like her like that.”

“Oh, don’t you, now?” he questions.

“I don’t. She’s my friend, I can’t do her like that. I don’t want to mess things up.”

“But you don’t mind fucking her.” That’s exactly why he doesn’t tell Ashton this sort of things. He’s always almost too right.

Luke shakes his head and shrugs. “It’s not like that. It’s just that if I can fuck a guy without all that Hollywood drama getting in the way, I gotta take it, don’t I?

“Guy?” Ashton asks confusedly.

“What?”

“You said ‘fuck a guy’, didn’t you?”

Luke feels the blood rushing to his cheeks and his heart beating faster, almost getting out of his chest. If he had a mirror, he’d probably look like a deer caught in the headlights. He feels like he might be sick. “Girl. You misheard.”

“I don’t mishear.”

“Well, you clearly just did.” He gives his phone a quick look, desperate for an excuse. A quarter to ten. “We should finish getting ready,” he states, dodging Ashton’s accusations.

“Lukey…”

“Don’t you realize when people don’t want to talk?” He gets up quickly, not looking at his friend. “Come on, we leave in five.”

He avoids him until they are forced to see each other to share a car. Luke takes the passenger seat, pulling his knees to the door.

“Lukey, there’s nothing to be ashamed about…” Ashton says with that fatherly tone Luke half-heartedly hates.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He hears him sigh but doesn’t turn around. He told him to leave it at that, but he _had_ to keep pushing. “I probably mispronounced, let it go, Ash.”

“You know you didn’t.”

Luke crosses his arms and frowns, getting as offended as someone who actually has the right to be offended. “Dude, you know me since I’m like fourteen. You know I don’t like dicks.”

Ashton simple shrugs, watching the roads “You can change what you like. Cal used to like girls.”

“Why the fuck are you bringing Calum into this?” he explodes, and it isn’t fair to Ashton, but he can’t help it. Want to see it or not, he’s scared. He’s never stepped on a stage naked, but he imagines it’s kind of like what he’s feeling right now. Exposed. “I’m not gay.”

Ashton gives him a look that only someone who’s been dealing with his outbursts and his downs for years can give him.

“Sorry, I’ll leave it. Calm down, yeah? I won’t push you anymore.”

He zones out the whole meeting, vaguely humming and nodding whenever a question is asked. Whatever, he can ask about it later. He doesn’t care enough to do it, though. Mike asks him if he’s feeling well at least three times, he smiles and nods the first two, but eventually stops answering.

He doesn’t want to be there. Meetings mean interviews, paparazzi, flashes in his face. He isn’t ready yet.

When it’s over, he excuses himself to the bathroom.

“I’ll wait for you in the car,” Ashton tells him, but he shakes his head in response.

He really tries not to give him a hard time, but his voice comes out dryer than intended. “Don’t, I can walk.”

“You’re sure? I don’t think you’re going to take that long.”

He shrugs, “I just want to walk.”

He heads straight to the bathroom. It’s white and neat, the wall with the sinks covered with a big mirror facing the stalls.

He stares at himself, his hands clench around the edges of the sink. He thought he was getting better; a bit of color had started showing in his cheeks and he was almost sure he was going to be back in his apartment the next time they come home. Not anymore, he looks like he’s just been pulled from the gutter once again.

He rolls up his sleeves and washes his face, hopeful it might bring him back to reality.

What actually does bring him back is the door opening and certain platinum blond man entering the bathroom.

“Thought you flushed yourself down the drain,” he jokes. Luke forces a smile.

“Why haven’t you left yet?” He looks at himself, avoiding him.

Calum shrugs, his hands are hidden in the pockets of his jacket. He takes one out to take Luke’s wrist, catching his attention. “Hey, your heart is racing,” he talks softly.

The panic he has been holding back swallows him like a tidal wave. “Ashton. He knows,” he lets out like the vomit he’s fighting. “I mean, not about you. About… _me_.”

“Oh… Is that bad?” He’s so calm. Luke’s jealous, he could never be so reasonable. Of course, it isn’t bad, he’s panicking without a reason, but that doesn’t make him feel any less nauseous. He ends up shaking his head. “Okay, what’s wrong then?”

Luke frowns as he runs a hand, the one Calum’s not holding, trough his hair. He should wash it, it’s greasy. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I don’t wanna go home.”

Calum nods, “Do you want to go with me?”

“Okay.”

He keeps his hand on Luke’s neck while they walk through the office, but lets it go as soon as they open the front door.

He hugs himself at the lack of contact. He can’t shake the feeling something’s just wrong.

He doesn’t regret hooking up with Calum, but he feels like he should. He thinks of everything they’ve got, the band, the traveling, the fans. Is he messing everything up just because he’s horny? Would only fucking girls for his whole life actually be that bad?

LA traffic is always terrible, but today he can use the extra time to think.

He zones out the whole car ride too. The only thing that keeps him from floating away is Calum’s hand that brushes with his thigh while driving a couple of times.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at him…” Luke mumbles, lost in his thoughts. He doesn’t realize the words come out of his mouth.

“Huh?”

“I feel like shit. I totally went off on Ash.” He shakes his head at himself and strokes his temples. “I’m such a shitty friend sometimes.”

“Hey, we all are. Other friends get a rest from each other, you two live together and see each other at work. You’re gonna butt heads eventually.”

Calum’s voice is deep but soft. It sounds like what a summer morning feels like, always so calm and patient.

Luke loves his voice. He wishes he’d sing more often.

It seems like every recent time he’s been in Calum’s house, it’s to get fucked. Well, it probably seems like it because it is the truth. It feels good to just hang out too, but maybe a little closer than before.

It’s just little changes. Like the way they sit on the bed instead of on the couch, or the way Luke’s foot is touching Calum’s knee.

They spend most of the day playing music. They write a few lines of an untitled song that only consists of half a verse and an unpolished riff.

“I think it’s enough for today. My brain is melted,” Calum says, placing the guitar on the feet of the bed.

Luke nods in agreement, occupying himself with Duke. He scratches the back of his ears and laughs as the dog moves his tail. Duke eventually decides he isn’t that interesting anymore, and leaves the room, probably searching for one of his toys. Luke lifts his view, being met with Calum’s worried face.

For the first time in months, the worry doesn’t seem to be caused by Luke.

“What?”

“What are you going to do?” Calum asks.

He goes the easy way, choosing not to understand the question. “That’s awfully vague.”

“You know what I mean. You can’t hide here forever.”

“Why not? You love having me here.”

“Yeah, you’re here a lot now,” he observes. “Even Duke got used to you. He’s gonna miss you next week.”

They look at each other. Luke can tell Calum’s deep in thought. Well, he always seems to be, always the quiet, thoughtful one, but not when they’re alone.

He curiously watches him as he zones out in Luke’s face. He cracks a smile, Calum looks funny when he’s distracted.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, genuinely interested.

Calum shakes his head, looking away. “Er… Nothing.” Luke arches a brow. “I’m just a bit nervous about going on tour again. You know how it is.”

He nods and ignores the tingling sensation that his friend is hiding something, because why would he?

“Hey, it’ll be great. When is it not? It just takes a little while to get used to it again,” he tries to cheer him, his hand firm on Calum’s knee in a reassuring manner.

Calum shrugs dismissively like he doesn’t want to think about it.

“I know I should be thankful… I _am_ , but it’s so much stress,” he admits.

He sees the guilt shining on his face. He feels bad and Luke can’t stand it. He wants to make him feel good.

He sits on his lap and strokes his back. Calum melts in his arms, pressing his face to Luke’s clavicle.

He’s like a cat who’s just discovered the warm and fuzzy inside of a closet.

It’s not a good position, but he does his best to release the tension from Calum’s shoulders, roughly massaging them with his fingers under the shirt.

“You’re so good on stage. I love feeling the bass notes in my chest, the music so loud I can’t hear myself. Don’t you?”

Calum’s smiles on his neck. He rests his arms on Luke’s hips. “Yeah… I love it. Feeling free, you know?” he sighs. “But sometimes I just feel like I’m just getting up there to have thousands of people judging me. Like the second the light is on me they’re gonna start laughing.”

His fingernails gently scratch Calum’s scalp, hopefully making the bad thoughts go away. It’s what his mom used to do when he had bad dreams at night, and what Mike started doing when they were in high school and Luke was too tired to think anymore.

The sun is falling, the light that sneaked through the curtains is getting dimmer. Luke realizes he’s been here all day.

“It’s late,” he whispers but makes no attempt to move.

Calum lifts his head and connects eyes with Luke. He looks like a wet puppy, and Luke just knows the touring issue isn’t really the root of Calum’s problem. There’s something he isn’t saying.

Calum sneaks his fingers under Luke’s hoodie and rubs his lower back with his thumbs. His fingers trail up his spine, stopping at each bone.

It’s intimate, Luke is surprised to be totally comfortable with it. It’s soothing, even.

The buzz of Luke’s phone is the only thing that distracts them from whatever they shouldn’t be doing. He takes it from his pocket, resting his head on Calum’s crown, and reads the text. He has unread messages from Ash since midday.

_hey where are you?_

_r u mad?_

_sorry for prying this morning xx love u_

_lu can u please respond im worried_

**_sorry didnt see the texts im omw_ **

**_love u too xo_ **

He sighs heavily and lets his phone fall from his hand, safely landing on the pillow.

He drops his head to softly kiss Calum.

Calum kisses him back, his hands stop caressing him to grab his body. It’s gentle, very different from the rougher, dominant touches Luke has gotten used to. He doesn’t mind, it feels different but still good.

It’s a simple kiss, almost chaste. Luke greedily tries to push for more, but his friend slows him down easily.

When he pulls away, Calum is smiling despite his furrowed brows. “Why was that?”

“I don’t know… closure? We’ll have to stop, whatever this is, next week.”

He opens his mouth like he’s about to say something but shuts it again. His smile fades slowly, “Right. You’re back to being straight.”

“I guess? For now, anyway…” He fiddles with his fingers. “Hey, I told Ash I was on my way.”

“Oh. I can drive you if you want.”

For some reason, he isn’t so keen on the idea of Ashton seeing him in Calum’s car. It’s stupid, but it’s there. With the LA traffic, walking is faster anyways.

He shakes his head, “I’ll walk.” He gets up and starts looking for his shoes. Calum’s gaze is glued to his neck, piercing through his skin.

“Thanks,” Calum whispers. If the house weren’t in silence, he probably wouldn’t have heard it.

“Why?”

“I felt like shit today. I feel better now. So, thanks.”

He feels an unintentional smile creep on his face. He’s proud. Calum always makes him feel better. Even this morning, when he didn’t even know where to go, Calum took his hand and brought him here. He’s glad he could do the same for him.

“No problem,” he says proudly, his back straight and his chest up, like a child that just got told his horrible drawing is a work of art.

Calum follows him to the door, his shirt is wrinkled and his feet are bare. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you?” he asks. “It’s already dark.”

“Cal, I’m 6”4, I think I can walk alone in the dark,” he argues. “I’ll see you next week, yeah?”

Calum nods in agreement, “Yeah, sure. Bye.”

The wind carries Luke home, it makes his curls dance around his face and tickle his nose. The streets are weirdly empty and the moon hasn’t properly come out yet. He loves those nights.

When he opens the door, Ashton is sitting on the couch. He abandons whatever he’s watching to check on Luke with an unsure expression.

“Hey, Lukey,” he greets him.

“Hey.” He leaves his keys on the key hanger and jumps beside his friend. “Sorry for not answering.”

“Did I upset you?” Ashton worries. Ashton’s always worried about Luke. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t,” he lies, only because Ashton wasn’t exactly the reason he got upset. It was his own fault. “I just lost track of time.”

Ashton doubts, but eventually nods and pats Luke’s back. “Okay. Want to help me cook?” he offers, it sounds like an apology. Luke takes it with an easy smile.

They cook side by side. Their elbows touch and Luke makes sure to say a few words from time to time. They’re fine.


	4. You were never as you led on

It’s early in the morning, earlier than they ever wake up on break days. The sun hasn’t fully come out yet, a few shimmers of light barely light the white airport floor.

Calum grips his bag. He isn’t sure where his suitcase is, someone from their team took it from him and he hasn’t seen it ever since. Mike is half asleep on his shoulder, complaining about something Calum isn’t listening to.

“Do you think she’s going to miss me?” he asks against Calum’s body.

It takes a few seconds for his brain to process the question. “Crystal? Yeah, why wouldn’t she?”

“Because we fought.” He straightens his back and quickly awakes. “Were you even listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” he says wholeheartedly. “Why was that again?”

Michael relaxes his shoulders and falls back on the chair. “I guess she just is upset I’m leaving. And I’m upset that she’s upset.”

Calum thinks about it, he’s never been in that situation. He’s never left someone at home to go travel the world. The only people he cares about are his family, that lives in Australia, so he doesn’t get to see them anyway, and his friends, that are either on his band or also on the road.

It’s bittersweet. Knowing he doesn’t have anyone holding him back, but also that he doesn’t have anyone to hold onto.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine. You love each other. And you’ll fly her out, so it’s not that much time.”

Mike reluctantly nods and shuts up.

Luke is sitting beside Mike. His hand is on the inside of his friend’s knee and his eyes are glued to the phone. He’s absentmindedly nodding to some song on his headphones.

There’s a faint trace of a smile on his face, Calum knows how excited he is. He misses shows every time he’s home and misses home every time he’s on the road.

Ashton is probably the more out together of all, sitting on the floor with his iced coffee, looking at the planes take off from the window. He’s always loved watching it.

And Calum, well, Calum could be better. His heart is on his throat and he isn’t sure why. Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that Luke just lifted his legs and put them on Mike’s, so his ankles are on Calum’s knees.

He should already be accustomed to it, after years of friendship, but it only seems to be getting worse. He stands up, his leg shaking on his side. “I’m hungry.” He turns to Michael. “Come with me?”

“Get me something,” Luke asks. “The unhealthiest thing you can find, yeah?”

They head to the food part of the airport. They bump shoulders with each other as they walk.

*

It’s the first big show. No little acoustic gig in a radio studio, this one is a proper arena with more people than Calum can count.

His fingers are resting on the strings of his bass. The rusty, metallic feeling makes him feel safer and grounded, but are useless to him right now. Let’s just say he just wasn’t having a great day.

Ashton comes up from behind him, shaking his shoulders violently, “Excited?” he says with an enthusiastic smile. Calum almost drops his instrument. Ashton’s already jumping around, the performing energy running through him.

“Yeah,” he pretends, not so greatly he must say.

Honestly, he’s got a sore throat and probably a cold, so he’s just hoping not to lose his voice today. Because his voice couldn’t be fucked up in a smaller, intimate concert, no, it had to be one of the most important ones of the tour.

Plus, it’s already a lot to play in front of such a big crowd. He knows they are going to like it, but the little voice in his head telling him everything is going to go wrong doesn’t shut up.

“Hey, your voice is gonna be fine, Cal. Do you need a shot?” Mike offers, already filling a cup.

“It’s fine, really.”

Luke is looking at him from across the room, analyzing. Calum shifts in his seat; the blue eyes are too piercing sometimes. He knows he can see right through him. Luke takes his eyes away and turns to his phone.

He gets a text.

_go to the bathroom_

**_why?_ **

Luke doesn’t answer, he just keeps talking to Ashton as if Calum didn’t ask anything.

He reluctantly stands up and does as asked. He doesn’t get into a stall, just leans in the sink, facing away from the mirror. Luke shows up five minutes after.

His breathing is fast, and his cheeks are flushed pink, but he has a killer grin adorning his face. Calum instantly knows he’s up to something.

“Get in the stall,” he orders, and Calum just isn’t having any of his shit right now. He doesn’t move. Luke crosses his arms and pouts childishly, “Cally, come on, we don’t have much time.”

“Why do you want-”

“Just do it, don’t be an asshole.”

He makes an annoyed sound but complies anyway. He gets in the last stall. It’s clean, or as clean as someone can expect to find a public bathroom.

Luke gets in behind him and locks the door.

“Oh, no, we are _not_ doing this. You said we weren’t doing this,” he whispers. He knows the bathroom is empty, he checked, but he feels self-conscious. He’s never been much of an exhibitionist and he never thought of Luke as one. He can’t deny that he is considering it, though.

“Don’t you want to?” Luke pins him against the wall but waits for him to agree before doing anything. Calum grins, letting him take control for the first time. Being pressed against a wall does not feel bad, he has to say. “Cal… You’ll like it.” He rubs his fingers against Calum’s hipbone.

“Fuck, okay.” He grabs Luke by the back of his neck and connects their lips. “What are you planning, baby?”

He loves the effect the nickname has on Luke. His smile gets sweeter and his eyes soften.

“I just wanna make you feel better.” He says softly and starts palming him through his jeans. He’s immediately on his knees, pulling Calum’s pants and boxers down on a single movement.

“What if someone comes?” Calum questions. He doesn’t care, not when Luke’s like this.

“The only person coming is gonna be you.”

If this is his plan to make him feel better, it’s totally working. Something about the pleasure his hands give him brings him up to cloud nine. The lack of time manifests in Luke’s rushed and sloppy ups and downs of his hand, only stopping to press his thumb on the slit of Calum’s head.

Calum grabs the top of the wall of the stall tightly, afraid his legs are going to fail him. He can’t help but let out a whine. His other hand holds a fist of Luke’s hair like he knows he loves.

Luke shushes him with a content face as he kisses his cock from the base to the top. Calum fights not to shut his eyes tight, the view is too amazing. The second his lips touch the top of his cock he chokes a moan.

The door opens abruptly.

Calum gives him a terrified look. Luke doesn’t seem half as startled as he should be, he gives malicious eyes to Calum, moving his feet as away from the door as possible and keeps blowing him.

“Calum?” It’s from Mike. Fuck.

He tries so hard not to fuck up his speech. “Uh, yeah?”

“You okay in there? We gotta be ready in twenty.” He hears him get in a stall, it’s not one near him, thank god.

He rests his head in the crook of his arm against the wall and uses his other hand to lightly caress Luke’s scalp rewardingly. He can’t hold a more than two sentence conversation, he’s sure.

“Yeah, I- I think the airport food wasn’t… the best choice.”

Luke pays no attention to the conversation, he focuses on Calum’s dick like their best friend of years isn’t three feet away. It’s so hot.

“Uh, sorry, buddy.” Michael finishes peeing and goes to the sink. “Have you seen Luke? I thought I saw him get in here.”

“No.”

He instinctively trusts his hips forwards; Luke gives him a warning glance. “ _Sorry, baby_ ,” he mouths, no sound coming from his mouth.

“Okay. I’ll leave you to that.”

Calum doesn’t answer. In fact, he holds any sound until the door closes behind Michael.

“Fuck- Luke, I’m so close.”

He expects him to pull away and finish with his hand, but he only pushes further. He gets his lips as close to the base as possible, but not quite there yet.

“You’re gonna swallow me, huh? Don’t wanna leave a mess?” he asks, an octave lower than usual. “Shit, always so good for me. Your mouth feels so good, baby.” Calum knows Luke has a compliment kink, it’s so fucking obvious, and he loves it.

Luke looks up, Calum knows he would be smiling if his mouth weren’t so busy right now; he loves driving Calum crazy.

He finishes with a grunt way too loud for a public space. The blood immediately rushes to his cheeks.

Luke’s eyes get watery, but he doesn’t complain. He uses his hand to clean his mouth and he thinks he could get another erection just from the sight.

He raises and places a short kiss on Calum’s mouth. It’s salty and rushed. “What time is it?” he asks, his breathing still quick. He’s shyly smiling, his face is as red as a tomato.

Calum doesn’t think he can talk right now. He shows him his phone. They’ve got seven minutes.

“Do you feel any better?” he shyly says, leaning into Calum. Ha can swear Luke is smelling him, but he ignores it.

He nods, stroking Luke’s lower back, “I feel great. Thanks.”

Luke pecks him on the lips again and Calum swears his eyes linger on him way too much for it to not mean something. He knows that normal fuckbuddies aren’t this affectionate. He doesn’t care.

“Come on, they’re probably looking for us.”

*

Luke sneaks to Calum’s room. It’s becoming a habit, a bad habit.

He’s kissing Calum’s bare chest. None of them feel like fucking today, but Luke likes being just a little affectionate. That’s what Calum tells himself.

It’s just Luke, he’s always been a bit more physical towards him, because how could you not be? It’s Luke. But not like this. This is like dipping in a lake without knowing how deep it is, like playing Russian roulette. Exiting and feels good at first, but you know nothing good can come out of it.

Calum pushes the thoughts away and scratches Luke’s scalp like he knows he likes. “If you keep doing that, I’m gonna fall asleep.”

“I’m fine with that.”

Luke smiles and reaches to leave a kiss on his lips. It’s too sweet. “Me too.”

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish from sex and love. Especially when none of them seems interested in putting any boundaries. He loves it, he won’t deny it, but it’s confusing. It hurts sometimes.

Calum brings him closer, letting him cuddle on his chest and wrapping him in a hug. He would have fallen asleep if Luke’s phone hasn’t started ringing with texts.

“What does it say?” Luke asks.

“Lazy.”

“I’m comfy,” he excuses himself. Calum reaches for the phone. Luke doesn’t bother to even open his eyes. “What does it say, babe?” he repeats. _Babe_ , that one is new. He likes the sound of it.

The text is… well, it’s certainly not what Calum expects it to be. It’s an unknown number, but Calum supposes it’s not an unknown person.

_r u in la?? I wanna see u xx_

There’s a photo in the next message. “Are you fucking serious?” he grunts, throwing the phone at Luke. It lands on his chest, startling him. He sits up, pushing Luke away from him in the process.

Luke straightens his back and shrugs indifferently. “‘S just boobs.”

“You said you were taking a break from dating.” His voice is calm considering how shitty he feels. He knows Luke can see right through any façade he puts. He shouldn’t be getting this upset.

“She’s not- Why do you care?” he says defensively. He’s raising his voice a little, making Calum nervous.

“I don’t, but you could have mentioned it.”

Luke crosses his arms and looks away from Calum. “Why should I? You’re not my boyfriend, there are no feelings. You’re just someone I fuck.” He regrets it the second it comes out of his mouth. Calum can see it, but if he said it, then he must feel it, really deep down.

“Wow… Fuck you, Luke. We’re not just that… Are we?” he mumbles. He hears his voice crumbling. “We shouldn’t have done this…” he says, more to himself than to Luke.

“No, this was perfectly fine until you got that emotional shit involved,” he accused.

“What!? I didn’t do shit! It’s you that started getting cuddly and kissing me out of nowhere, asking me to call you names, it was you.” He can’t look at Luke anymore. He feels a tear threatening to come out. He sucks it up, he never cries and won’t cry for this. “I’m not crazy for thinking that, maybe… I don’t know, maybe you wanted something more. Maybe you wanted me.”

“Why are you talking like I’m purposefully leading you on? Why do you think I would want to hurt you?” Luke shouts. He’s sure the other rooms can hear it.

“I don’t know, Luke. Do you? Why are you acting like this?”

Luke scoffs, gets up from the bed and starts looking for his shirt. “I can’t believe you’re saying this. You fucking know I wouldn’t ever play with anyone, least of all you. Why are you blaming me for not liking you?”

“Because you keep acting like you do!” he cries. “And now I’m telling you that it’s hurting me and you’re putting it on me!”

He forces himself to calm down. The walls are thin and it’s late. He knows Mike’s room is right next to his, he can’t keep shouting. He brings his knees to his chest and wipes his cheeks, he’s full on crying now.

Luke sighs and sits back on the bed. He places his hand on Calum’s leg, trying to catch his attention. “Babe, it’s not that I don’t like you…”

“Stop fucking calling me that! Fucking leave!” he yells.

Luke’s eyes are glassy. He gulps and nods. Calum wishes he would stay anyway. He wants him to crawl back to bed and kiss Calum until he’s asleep. He doesn’t.

The hard hotel bed is cold that night. He barely gets any sleep.

*

They avoid each other for a whole week, bumping shoulders when passing past each other and grunting every time the other enters the room.

Calum doesn’t mean to, but he resents Luke. He doesn’t want to be angry but he can’t help it. He bursts for the tiniest things when it comes to Luke lately.

“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you to not touch my stuff?” he shouts at Luke, he grabs his shirt from Luke’s bunk. He doesn’t even like that shirt.

“I thought it was Mike’s. You don’t have to be a bitch about it.”

“Guys, again?” Ashton reprimands from the front of the bus. He walks to where they are, arms crossed. “Are you going to tell me what’s up between you two?”

Luke sighs and enters his bunk, closing the curtain after him. Ashton opens it. “Hey, I locked it, that’s illegal!”

“It’s a curtain, Luke.”

When it becomes clear he isn’t going to talk he grabs Calum by the arm, as an angry mother would do to a child, and drags him to the bathroom.

“Come on, this is so stupid,” Ashton tries. Calum shrugs. “Just tell me why you’re mad to him. We can figure it out.”

He really wants to. Not because he thinks he can work it out, but because Calum needs the support right now. He needs to say it but saying it means outing Luke, and he can’t do that.

So, there’s that, he’s alone.

“Ash, I can’t tell you,” he admits. “I mean it. I’m sorry. Even if I did, it’s between Luke and me.”

“Please. You’ve been upset for like a week. Do you think we don’t notice?” Ashton grabs him and gives him one of those hugs Calum misses when he’s far from home.

“I can’t tell you. I can’t do that to Luke. I’m sorry.” A few tears escape from his eyes. He wipes them away before leaving his bathroom.

He locks himself in his bunk, metaphorically, it’s still just a curtain, and doesn’t come out for the rest of the day. He’s sure the guys can hear him cry before falling asleep.


	5. I've given it all to it you

Luke looks at himself in the mirror. He looks like fucking shit. His eyes sockets are so dark they look like two holes with no bottom. His cheeks are fuller, the stress has made him put on a bit of weight, nothing he can’t fix with a few workouts, but he really isn’t feeling like exercising right now.

He enters the shower hoping the hot water can calm his tense muscles.

Michael had the great idea of having a movie night in the room they were sharing and decided Ashton and Calum should join.

The air was just too thick.

Ashton and Michael confronted him the other day, basically blaming him for Calum’s bad mood and demanded that he work it out. He tried several times, Calum just ignores him.

It’s true. He is to blame, but sometimes doing something that hurts, like not being with Calum, can end up being the best choice. Because fucking is one thing but getting in a relationship with a bandmate is a big no-no in Luke’s moral code.

Luke announced he was going to take a shower. A kind way of putting that he doesn’t want to be there anymore and that when he gets out of the bathroom, he hopes they’re all gone.

He works his shoulders with his own fingers, breathing slowly. He can’t help but think about Calum’s fingers in place of his, calming him down and taking the stress away.

He pushes the thought. A boner is the last thing he needs right now.

When the mirror is cloudy enough and the walls are sweating, he finally puts a towel around his hip and steps out.

Now, he’s never been particularly smart, he can admit it, but falling on the bathroom stepping out of a shower has always been a stupidity level he’s never hoped to achieve.

The fall is almost slow. His arms uselessly try to grab anything in the air that can potentially avoid it.

His head hits the floor with a loud, dry thud. He doesn’t notice the pain right away, but when he does, he realizes he can’t be fine.

“Fuck,” he mumbles to himself. His eyes close hard and he sees colors and forms swirling in the dark.

“Luke? You okay?” It’s Calum. Right, he doesn’t talk to Luke for days, but now he’s worried. He wants to scoff but his head hurts too much to even do that.

His tongue feels weirdly heavy. “M’kay.” His answer is too weak, Calum is opening the door. He’s glad he didn’t lock it. He opens his eyes to see him stepping in the bathroom.

His first reaction is to laugh. Because it’s funny, he fell, he always laughs when he falls but Calum looks at him a little too worried. Something’s not right.

“Luke…” Calum’s grabbing a towel from the stand and rushing to him.

That’s when he looks around him. Everything’s blurry for some reason, it feels almost dreamlike. The white floor is now tinted red. He can’t tell if the wet he feels on his back is water from his shower or blood from his head.

Why is he even bleeding that much?

Ashton and Mike are now at the door.

Calum makes him sit up and presses the towel where Luke guesses the cut is. Luke grabs his arm, desperate to hold onto something. “Ash, go get a car. Or the bus, or something. Mike, some clothes. Hurry.”

And like that, they’re gone.

“Fucking dumbass, couldn’t you put a fucking towel on the floor like a normal person!?” Calum shouts. He’s been shouting at him all week, and even though he knows he’s worried right now, he just can’t handle it.

“Sorry. It hurts.”

“Yeah, no shit, you probably gave yourself a good concussion.”

Mike storms in with clothes and they both help Luke put it on. They throw him in some sweats and a big hoodie. When they make him stand up, he feels drunk, so he leans on Calum a little more than he should.

“Fuck. Am I gonna bleed to death?” he asks fearfully. He tries to touch his head, but the towel is covering the cut, stopping him from knowing how big it is.

“No, no, calm down. The head just bleeds a lot, you’re fine,” Mike assures him.

“Guys, a car’s outside,” Ashton announces entering the room.

Luke ignores how everyone is looking at him. Calum never lets go of him, and there’s something comfortable about the thought of him just being there, holding him. Even when his arm gets tired and Luke holds the towel himself, Calum’s hand stays on his waist.

He wants to throw up because of how much he regrets hurting Calum. Then, again, it might be the hit to his head.

The guys take turns to handle him around it seems. Ashton helps him to get down the stairs, which he doesn’t need but appreciates, Michael gets him in the car and Calum holds his hand once he gets in the backseat.

“We have an interview early,” Luke comments when they’re halfway through the car ride. “I can’t do an interview if I’m dead.”

“You’re not going to die, Luke. Even if you do, we made lots of interviews, it’s fine if we miss one because we’re in your funeral,” Ashton jokes from the passenger seat. He puts a hand on Luke’s knee for a second, like he’s trying to convince him it’s alright.

Calum isn’t talking anymore. They’re not on good terms yet, Luke can tell. He probably wouldn’t be holding his hand right now if he hadn’t split his head open and was scared out of his mind.

Everything comes to him and his mind begins accelerating. How scared he is of the blood coming out of him, how he always fucks everything up and everyone around him suffers from it.

The interview was a great opportunity to promote their new single, he doesn’t even know if they will be able to make it, the ER waiting is usually long, and, the worst of all, Calum is clearly not happy, and it’s his fault.

He’s starting to get worked up. His breathing gets quicker and shorter and his fingers bury in his own hands.

“Luke?” Calum mumbles. “Calm down, you’re fine. It’ll be just a few stitches.” Even when he’s angry he makes sure he isn’t upset. Luke doesn’t deserve him.

“I’m sorry, Cally,” he whispers. Everyone is too dispersed to listen anyway.

“It’s just an interview,” he shrugs it off.

“Not _that_. Actually, yeah, I’m sorry for that as well.” He feels himself getting teary eyed. “I fuck everything up. I fucked us up.”

“Can we talk about this when you’re not bleeding to death?”

“So, I _am_ bleeding to death!?” he freaks out.

He shakes his head. “You better not be,” he threatens.

The car parks and everybody is all over Luke again. “I can walk on my own, thanks,” he says when Michael tries to hold his arm to steady him. He hadn’t realized how much that arm hurts before.

He fills a couple of forms and sits, waiting to be attended. Luckily, it’s almost 3 a.m. and the hospital is almost empty.

Luke feels better now that he is there. If it was that bad, he probably wouldn’t be waiting.

He looks at himself in his phone camera for the first time, his blond hair is almost all bright red. “Twinsies,” he tells Ashton. A weight seems lifted from the older man shoulders as he smiles and agrees.

It doesn’t take long for a doctor to see him. He asks him some questions and inspects the wound before deciding it’s a mild concussion and a cut that is going to hurt like a bitch for a while but isn’t as dangerous as it first seemed.

“Can he do shows?” Mike asks. He’s sitting with him on the hospital bed, asking questions Luke think are important but can’t come up with on his own.

“I’d say to take things slow, rest a lot, not doing activities that can put you at risk of hitting your head again. You might want to take tomorrow off,” the doctor explains.

They end up stapling his head together, which surprisingly doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. In 20 minutes, he’s out of there.

Michael goes straight to sleep, leaving Luke alone with his thoughts, which is almost always a bad idea.

He goes to the balcony and sits on the floor. The sky is a deep pink, the sun barely rising. He’s lucky the fans didn’t set camp outside the hotel this time. He pulls out his phone, hovering over Calum’s contact before calling.

He answers on the first ring. “Yeah?” he greets with a hoarse voice.

“Hey… Were you sleeping?”

“Can’t. You?”

“Same. I can’t lay down without touching the staples,” he explains as if he just called to discuss his sleep problems.

“Oh… Does it hurt?”

“A bit.”

Luke brings his knees to his chest and wraps his legs with his arms. He should have brought a blanket. The cold floor makes his feet sting.

“I got really scared today,” Calum admits. “I went a little crazy…”

He smiles. “No. Thanks. I think not even Ashton knew what to do. I saw all the blood and I almost passed out.”

“Believe it or not, me too.”

Luke shifts uncomfortably. He had a very clear objective in mind before calling. “I think I realized a few things today…”

A silence settles between them. “Oh.”

“I mean, I guess I knew it but didn’t want to admit it,” he bitterly laughs, it isn’t funny. “I guess I thought that if I told myself I didn’t have feelings for you and you didn’t for me, it would be real. But it wasn’t. And… I shouldn’t have said that. It- I hurt you…”

Calum is so silent he isn’t sure he’s still listening. He finally makes a small acknowledgment sound and Luke can go on.

“It’s just… it’s so fucking terrifying. Not knowing if things are going to go wrong, if Ash and Mike are going to hate us, I haven’t even come out to my mom, Cal.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Calum says quietly, lost in thought.

Luke rolls his eyes and scoffs. “I’m saying this because I do want to. I want to try things with you. Not like, fucking in a bathroom kind of things.” Calum laughs but it soon dies. “Like… bringing you to my parent’s house.”

“I’ve already been to your parent’s house.”

He shrugs, wishing he had Calum in front of him. “Yeah, but not like that.”

“What about that girl?”

“She’s just someone I hooked up with. Like a _long_ time ago. I’m sure she was just drunk and bored. I don’t even remember her name,” he assures. “If there was anyone, I would have told you.”

He doesn’t answer for a bit, but eventually, he lets out a small, “Okay.”

“So, are we good?” Luke insists. “I can’t keep fighting with you.”

“Me neither. We’re fine.”

The sun is almost fully up now. Luke likes to watch the pink and purple clouds turn a bright orange whenever he’s awake. “I’m hungry,” he complains. “If we’re not gonna sleep, let’s go get breakfast.”

“Get breakfast at 5 a.m?” he questions.

Luke shrugs, “Why not?”

“The guys are going to get jealous.”

“Nah. It’s a reconciliation breakfast, right?”

Luke can almost hear him smile. “Okay. Be ready in five.”

He leaves his t-shirt and sweatpants on but adds a hoodie and a coat, Europe is too cold for his pajamas alone. Gladly, Calum’s not dressed up either.

It’s a bit awkward, none of them seem to know what to do with each other. They walk to a small coffee shop Calum suggests, order and settle in the back of the shop.

“So…” Calum stirs his coffee compulsively. “What’s the game plan?”

“Uh?”

“Us. What do you want to do?” he asks plainly.

Luke sips his coffee, trying to save some time. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I want to be with you, I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I want to. I do like you, I’m sorry I said I didn’t.”

Calum seems relieved. He hunches shyly, looking down. “Maybe we can go a bit slower, you know, see what works.”

“Yeah. That’s nice…”

They finish eating. Their cheeks are flushed pink the whole day.

*

Nothing changes drastically, it’s small things that make a difference. Luke holds Calum’s hand when there are no fans around and Calum kisses Luke on the cheek instead of saying hi.

Ashton and Mike do notice, but they seem mostly happy that they’re not fighting again.

That morning they had to wake up at ungodly hours for a meeting, had two interviews, a meet and greet and an acoustic radio set. Honestly, none of them was in a great mood.

When they finish the gig, they are forced to hang backstage for at least thirty minutes because their tour isn’t there yet.

Ashton throws himself face first into the couch, ready to nap.

“Don’t be greedy,” Michael complains, slapping his legs away and sitting at the end of the couch.

“Fuck you.”

They spend at least ten minutes bickering like an old couple while Luke sits on the only chair and pulls Calum onto his lap.

“I want a bed,” Calum whines. He puts his legs on the armrest and uses Luke’s chest as a pillow.

“Next week,” he mumbles. His hand secures Calum’s back, covered by his clothes. He rests his head on Calum’s crown and closes his eyes. He’s too tired to pretend, and Calum’s warmth is heating his cold hands.

The discussion between their bandmates ends abruptly and silence fills the room.

Someone clears their throat, clearly trying to call their attention, but Luke doesn’t feel like opening his eyes.

Ashton speaks to him. “Guys, is there something you want to tell us?”

He shakes his head. Calum doesn’t speak.

“Are you two fucking?”

“Michael!”

“What?” Mike asks. “Like you weren’t thinking the same thing.”

Luke reluctantly opens his eyes, only to search for a reaction from Calum.

He doesn’t seem to be paying attention, just shrugs and shifts to a better position. “I’m fine if you’re fine,” he whispers to Luke before falling asleep.

“Yeah,” he states, not wanting to look uncomfortable. “I guess that’s one way to put it.”

“Wait,” Mike interrupts him. “Fucking as in like, just that or as in like, together?”

“Michael,” Ashton reprimands once again, but looks at Luke, waiting for the answer.

Luke sighs. “As in together.”

Calum, who is not as asleep as he pretends to be, smiles and lifts his arm to softly stroke Luke’s cheek. The arm falls on Luke’s neck and brings him closer. Luke blushes from head to toes.

“Oh, my God!” Mike shouts as if he’s a high schooler that just heard the best gossip about the most popular girl in school. “So, you’re the guy that gave Calum a blow job back home? Then Calum got drunk and… he went to yours! Everything makes so much sense now.”

“I knew you were seeing someone!” Ashton adds.

Luke rolls his eyes so hard he’d probably see his brain if he could. “Glad you two keep up with our lives. Can you not make a big fuzz about it? We still haven’t like… figured everything up.”

They both nod and shut up.

*

Calum doesn’t think he’s been so happy with a person in a while. Luke is like a dream, what he always wanted but never thought he’d get.

That doesn’t necessarily mean things are always easy, but they deal.

Luke’s lying on the bed and Calum’s stirring beside him, stroking the inside of his thigh. His thumb goes up and down, every time he gets too high up Luke shudders beneath him.

They should sleep, but sometimes at night is the only moment they can talk without being bombarded on all fronts.

Luke speaks out of the sudden. “I told my parents today,” he announces.

Calum can’t help but smile. “Yeah? How did it go?”

“Great. They already loved you, so it wasn’t that hard,” he explains.

Calum moves and places himself over Luke, holding himself on his knees. He places a small kiss on Luke’s lips. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“Now it’s like we’re almost _together_ together.”

He frowns and parts his lips. “Aren’t we together?” he questions. He swears, if they are going to fight over this all over again, he’s done. Luke’s great, but he only has got so much patience.

Luke crosses his arms. “You haven’t asked me yet. I want flowers,” he demands. Calum laughs in his face, which makes him turn completely red. “What!? Don’t be an asshole. I’ve always been the one to do it, nobody gives _me_ flowers.”

“You’re so spoiled.” He rolls his eyes. “I’ll get you flowers. All the flowers you want.” It’s cheesy, sure, but seeing Luke’s eyes light up and his sweet smile is worth it. Luke pulls him down, closer and he looks like he’s about to speak. “What is it?”

He hides his face in the crook of Calum’s neck but eventually looks at him. He’s got a nervous look in his eyes. He finally speaks in a hushed voice. “I love you.” He says it in such a way that Calum can’t speak back. It’s so genuine and fond. “You don’t have to say it back- I mean, we’ve already said it a thousand times but it’s different. I get it if you don’t want to-”

Calum interrupts him with a kiss. He sucks on Luke’s lower lip and cracks a laugh. “I love you, too.”

Luke kisses him back. “Okay, now that’s solved, I’m so fucking tired, so…” he suggests. Calum nods and pushes him close, kissing his forehead. “Night.”

“Night.”

They fall asleep easily, Luke’s heartbeat bringing him to rest.


End file.
